4 reasons to date someone who's been divorced

The first time around, you kind of get hung up on “the process.” When to text. What to text. Where to meet people offline. What to say if you want to ask someone out. How often to communicate and see each other. Is the pace too slow? Are you coming on too strong? There are so many potential rules. Divorced people? They typically understand that rules generally focus on how to get a relationship instead of how to actually connect with a compatible partner.

A divorced woman in her 30s told me she’d done “everything right” in dating and marrying her first husband, who pursued her like crazy into a problem-plagued marriage. The second time, she completely tossed the rule book and did everything wrong; she waited for a guy who was slow to commit, because she saw qualities in him that might lead to a strong partnership. A divorced guy in his late 30s also told me about how he asked his second wife out two days after he filed for divorce.

“If you don’t know what you want, you’ll never get what you want.” It’s shocking how many daters do not think about what they really want out of a relationship — and I’m not talking “tall, dark, and handsome.” I’m talking about the type of partnership that would make them happy, the values they’d want to uphold in a relationship (like complete honesty or consistency), and the nonnegotiable deal-breakers (be it religion, politics, shared interests, or other things).

While it was very common for me to find daters who hadn’t thought a whole lot about what they wanted in a relationship over the long term, it was very rare for me to find a divorced person who hadn’t challenged themselves to figure that out. If you’re looking for a stable, compatible relationship, ask romantic prospects what they want; if they can’t tell you, then they are likely further away from real commitment. Often, divorced men and women have a better idea of their needs.

When you’ve been in a long-term, committed relationship like a marriage, you can see repetitive problems with cornerstone issues like communication, intimacy, and time management coming a mile away. Often, solving relationship problems is like preventive medicine. It’s infinitely easier to notice warning signs and make lifestyle changes to prevent a heart attack or stroke than it is to stop it once it’s already happening.

Of the divorced men and women I interviewed, most of them sought this quality out in their next partner and had the perspective to understand why sometimes small, short-term discomforts are worthwhile if they save your relationship from long-term havoc.

There’s “healing” from your past split, and then there’s just “moving on” from the past. Having to go through something as large as divorce, breaking your joint life with someone apart piece by piece certainly causes a person to evaluate what went wrong. Divorced men and women seem to fall into the healing camp more often than not.

In any major breakup, it’s wise to pause and ask yourself what really went wrong. Own your role in the relationship’s demise. Evaluate what incompatibilities existed that you absolutely do not want to repeat. This will help you become a more self-aware partner and ultimately build stronger relationships in the future.